The Judge
Posted on 27th Aug 10 by The Judge | 
0
If none of this does the job then it’s quite possible you fancy your hand significantly more than your Mrs……
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the all new Drop-d Advice Column brought to you by The Judge.
The Judge
Masturbation
Judge, I’ve a bit of a problem.
Now, it ain’t with me sex life coz that’s grand. I’ve a girlfriend for the last 3 years. But, ya know, sometimes she’s not in the mood, or I’m home alone and fancy some self-love.
My problem is that I can’t last fuck all time when I have a wank. It’s over in a minute! I know some fellas have this problem between the sheets but I’ve never had it with a woman, only when I’m giving meself the handshandy.
Most of the time I don’t even watch porn, not even a magazine or page 3 of The Sun like. I’ve tried lotions, smoking ganja, some mad rotten Chinese alternative medicine… I’ve tried everything. Yet it’s still over before it starts.
What’ll I do eh?
David.
VERDICT
Talk about beating your meat! You must batter the shit out of your length to get them kind of results friend? Take your time. Smoke a cigar. Sip some brandy. Dim the lights and put on some Barry White. Try teasing the little fella with a bit of light banter and a couple of cheeky slaps before hitting fifth gear, for fucks sake. Maybe picture someone you aren’t all that attracted too, like them dogs off Sex and the City, or your granny. If he still cuts loose quicker than the time it takes a stinky fart to dissipate, try and catch the old boy off guard with an unexpected second round. Perhaps you could prolong your enjoyment by keeping the first go tame and saving the really dirty shit for your second whack? If none of this does the job then it’s quite possible you fancy your hand significantly more than your Mrs.
Either way, it’s not all bad. Try looking on the bright side. The possibility of you ever getting caught in the act is significantly reduced by your pathetically premature release. You may also be the only guy in Ireland who can fit one in when his birds nipped out for a piss. That’s a skill. Case Closed.
Golden Shower
Judge,
I have a huge problem and I can’t ask anyone I know. Here goes…
I’ve got a partner and we’ve been together for about 6 months. Things are going really, really well. She’s beautiful, with long legs and a nice smile, she’s smart and funny….but she’s a fuckin pervert.
I’d only heard of butt-plugs and anal beads before I’d met her but she’s always wanting to try out new toys. At first I was OK with it because my last girlfriend was a bit boring and only wanted the normal lesbian sex.
Anyway, I was coping with the new experiences until last week. We were at it in the bathtub and then she wanted to be handcuffed to the bath, so I obliged. Then she demanded that I gave her a golden shower. I was horrified but we’d drank a full bottle of merlot and I was drunk so I did it. I pissed on my girlfriend.
I don’t know what to do now. The rest of the night was spent in silence and I took another shower for about half an hour. We’ve hardly spoken since, she keeps trying to start a conversation but I can hardly look her in the eye.
I really like her. How am I going to save this relationship?
Genie.
VERDICT
Sweet! Poor David (see above) probably plastered his computer screen with gooey ooze before he even got to ‘at it in the bathtub’.
So let me get this straight, you pissed all over your woman and then hogged the shower for half an hour while the poor girl sat there smelling like an old peoples home? Then you have the audacity to stop talking to her, avoid eye contact and call her a pervert! Nice.
You say she ‘demanded’ you do it but to be fair to the randy slut she was handcuffed to a bath at the time so you weren’t exactly forced into it, were you? I think you secretly loved it and you’re just here for gratification. Well you know what? You’re gonna get it… You’re a lucky bitch! You should count your blessings girl. At least she didn’t ask you to coil a brown bomb on her chest (although it’s probably on the horizon so eat healthy and lay off the Guinness).
If this isn’t enough to ease your mind then perhaps you will take some solace in hearing that most men would happily pay money to do that to your woman. In fact, there’s a good business opportunity here princess, and in these recessionary times that’s a special thing indeed. I’d actually give you a twenty just to let me watch you do it next time? Thirty if you let me take a couple of pics? Think about it… Case closed.
Cheating girlfriend?
She's Probably Cheating
Judge,
I’m really worried about my relationship. My girlfriend and I, both 20, have been together for almost 3 years now. We were both virgins when we got together and for the first 2 years the sex was unimaginative, with very little foreplay. Hey, I always finished and, let’s face it, that’s all that really matters.
Since we both started college last year, however, she’s been getting gradually better and better in bed. Suddenly it’s tricks, positions, orders, oppression, suppression, screams, toys, books, food, the list goes on.
“What’s the problem? These are all bloody good things”, I hear you cry. Well, the problem is that I’m a lazy lover, with very little imagination, so where’s she been learning all this stuff? Because I can assure you it wasn’t from me!
I’m almost positive she’s sleeping around but we’re still having regular sex and get on pretty well. What should I do?
Jimmy.
VERDICT
I see your dilemma squire. It would appear you have just two options. The first is to risk losing her by saying it outright in the slim hope that she picks your substandard sexual performance over the clearly ingenious lover she’s banging behind your back. The second is to say nothing, up your game in the bedroom, and continue to go along for ‘the ride’, whilst simultaneously seeking a more suitable replacement.
Quite frankly, option two is the sensible mans choice. It goes without say that a dirtbag like this doesn’t drop on your doorstep too often and likely as not you’ll have to go months without regular sex if you split up. Let’s face it; this bitch is definitely cheating on you. Probably with more than one guy if we’re honest. It’s a sad fact that most girls these days go through a period of being passed around like a giant dubey. Time was when even an ogre of a man could have wholeheartedly expected his wife to have less seen less cock than a battery hen and, once married, the poor cow had to succumb to outrageously selfish nightly beastings, headache or nay. Even one generation ago you could have anticipated a wife who had done the nasty with no more than one or two men. These days you’re lucky if she only gives you that many STD’s. Two weeks later she’s fucked your friends and moved out with all your shit. Without a friend to turn to, or pot to piss in, depression is followed only by death. Case closed.
Day one of the job and it’s already clear that there are some sick fuckers using this website. I love it! Keep it coming folks, it’s cheaper than porn. The court rests.