This Beat is Barrytronic – Hostel

Posted on 18th Jul 07 by Contributor | 0

Artist: Barrytron
Author: Barrytron

This adventure contains graphic sexual passages and another rant about
fucking Dublin.

HOSTEL

"Let's party like it's 9/11"

I had just had a sweet summer after finishing my Leaving Cert in 2001 and
had just started college. Life as an Arts student was sweet. You would often
see me dodging my only lecture on a Tuesday to go drinking pints and listen
to my hilarious mate Fionn playing three different versions of Wicked Game
back"to"back while DJing in Fred Zeppelin's. I was working as a waiter and
living with my parents and our cat at home in Passage. I had also started
drumming in a new band" Dog on Stilts" playing every other Wednesday at
mismatched Live Music Society gigs in Nancy's and drinking my bus fare
afterwards. Our singer Paidai and his then bird had decided to join me on
another jaunt up to Dublin to see a gig. I was a little obsessed with Death
metal legends Cannibal Corpse "let's face it" I still am" and was excited to
be seeing them again" on a tour with German thrashers Kreator and some
black"metal also"rans called Mystic Circle. Though it was difficult" we
consented to missing two days of class and hit the queue for tickets in the
bus station. I had saved my tips and we were splashing out on cans and a
hostel in Temple Bar. "I'm the man"" I probably said.

"Thank you for choosing Barnacles"

The bus journey was your usual fodder " waking up in your drool"stained
hoody to realise you're in Urlingford. Buying a bottle of yellow Oasis and
an ice cream that you instantly realise you didn't want. Flicking a fag butt
past the petrol pumps and hoping that the drunken shit in the seat behind
you won't start mouthing off once you get back on the bus. We arrived in
Dublin early enough and busted into Stephen's Green to buy some Buckfast and
an overpriced sausage roll. Then it was down to Barnacles of Temple Bar. I
always stay at Barnacles when I'm in Dublin because it is beside the Temple
Bar Music Centre. It's hilariously close to it " if Good Charlotte were
leaving the back door I could probably hit them with my piss. Anyway" as
usual we blazed in stylishly and introduced ourselves to gratuitous
applause. As we handed over the 25 pounds per bed" the Australian manager
told us that we had two more travellers staying in the room with us "the
travelling kind of traveller" not the Irish kind". They had just arrived
before us apparently. "Word"" I probably said.

"Ima grabba showa"

We entered our room to find two young lads of the strapping variety" busting
about in their jocks. "Ima grab a showa you guys that cool"" said one"
before landing himself in the bathroom. It turned out that these were two
American guys "doing Europe". They had just finished "school" and were after
getting the hot ticket from their respective fathers. John and Adam were
buddies for years and had been having the time of their lives" kicking it
around Germany" France and Holland and had now just arrived in Dublin "
"yeah man " like " JUST NOW"". They both seemed affable enough if a little
reserved" one balling his socks and the other lethargically leafing through
a guidebook. We got chatting and told them about the gig we were off to and
all the Buckie we were going to tear into" as we got stuck into our drink.
We asked them what they were up to and Adam just shrugged" "I dunno man
we'll prolly jus get some dinner and Ima hit the BED dude"." Me too man" I'm
fuukhed from that plane"" drawled John. "Yawn" I thought " I'd fucking hit
it if I was in Dublin for one night. Boring cunts. But we yammered back and
forth for a bit and drank for a while. Eventually I donned a long sleeve with
an unreadable logo" stumbled across the road to the gig and waltzed in.
"This is going to be sweet"" I probably said.

""Pleasure to Kiiiiiiillllll"""""""

Paidai's bird at the time was this bendy dancer called Anne Marie. She
worked in a pub and rolled really tiny joints. I had first encountered her
when I woke up from passing out in this dingy house to the simultaneous
sounds of my then"girlfriend throwing up violently and Anne Marie having
loud sex upstairs. She was pretty funny. Anyway" we had drained a few more
pints at the bar and busted into the stage area of Temple Bar Music Centre
to go up the front. Mystic Circle were shuffling off from a less than
enthusiastic reception "singer: "you want one more""" crowd: "no"" and
Kreator and Cannibal Corpse followed. Unfortunately" Anne Marie "got comfy"
squeezed up against the barrier and nodded off" missing most of the show. It
was a pretty violent one too" with some poor ginger longhair getting carted
off to hospital after misjudging a stage dive. I often thought of how
insulting it must have been for the bands to have the face of a small
sleeping girl peeping out of the front row. "Wake Anne Marie up for
'Necropaedophile'"" I probably said.

"Look man…"

After the lads had finished up" we started trudging out towards the exit"
squeezing past all the fat sweaty drunks trying to re"locate the Slayer
t"shirts they cast off three songs back. Being so close to the hostel" we
decided to have a few more pints outside. I wanted to meet the band and get
some crap signed so I waited around. I was standing at the back door for
fucking ages with this guy from a Galway band called Fisted Sister. He was
the type of guy that looked like he invented metal himself" with his ample
beard and laced"up leather pants. As well as the comedy genius of his band
name" I remember he had a stack of Cannibal Corpse stuff about 7 or 8 inches
tall to get signed in his hands. A guitar player came out of the door"
looked at him and said "Oh man" not you again"". I was in complete
stitches." That"s gas"" I probably said.

"Wanna see a picture of a dead dog I got in Italy""

So I got some shit signed and waddled back to the hostel. Who should I see
before me" painted onto the path and moving in extremely mysterious ways"
but Adam our American roommate. He was on the ground but sort of holding the
door at the same time" trying to get in. I buzzed him in and lifted him to
his feet "or possibly the other way around" I can't remember". Anyway I got
him in the door. The poor bastard was the drunkest man I had ever seen.
"Where'd you go man" I asked. "R"r"r"r"r"red box". He fell up the stairs and
tumbled down the hallway into the room. On entering" I noticed the other
dude had already gotten home. He looked okay" sleeping in his bunk. Adam was
a different story however. He had kicked the door in and turned the light
on" waking Paidai and Anne Marie. He then started shouting and trying to
stroke Anne Marie under their duvet. When we eventually calmed him down" he
started banging on about his travels. Lo" and how it was that he drunkenly
regaled us with tales of Germany" Italy" Holland "naturally"" France and
Belgium. Slagging off the French and Germans ""fucking krauts man"""
squaring up to us" saying sorry and so on. He broke out his digital camera
"which was actually a pretty snazzy thing to have in 2001" and showed us
pictures of all the dead animals and signs of place names with sexual
connotations he had seen. Then he did the funniest thing. The sleeping guy
"John" had started stirring and had woken up suddenly. He looked at us"
turned" and puked Guinness all over the wall beside his bunk. Then he just
passed out again. Incredulous" we looked over at Adam who was shouting.
"That fucker " watch this"". He took his cock out and pissed all over John's
clothes and bag. "Uh….."" I probably said.

"Can I get more toast please. Yes" and jam. Do you have more jam."

After sleeping with both eyes open all night" I woke up to an empty room and
the usual barnstorming erection. After yawning and scratching myself
thoroughly" I put some pants on and glided smoothly down to get some free
coffee and toast. There I met P and Anne Marie who were still wearing
surprised expressions after witnessing the antics of our two travelling
friends from the night before. As I munched handsomely" Paidai started
talking. "That guy who was sleeping just left actually". "Oh yeah " did he
smell of piss"" I enquired. John had been talking to Paidai at breakfast
just before they left. It turned out that the two boys had been having
arguments all the way across Europe. Little acts of revenge had started
taking place and the previous nights spot of watersports was the latest.
When John heard he had had his clothes pissed upon" he apparently replied:
"That's nothing " we had a fight on a train in Germany" so I waited till he
fell asleep and jerked off a few times onto his face. Heh heh."

"Fucking hell""" I probably said.

Later"
B.