Dear Rob

Posted on 17th May 05 by Contributor | 0

Artist:
Author: Deegs

Dear Rob" My name is Shawn from Youghal" and I need some advice. I am a
talented flute player" and recently decided I would like to learn to
play the guitar. I need help in choosing a good one" I really want to
know about the differences between hum bucker and single coil pickups
and what difference to sound does different types of body wood make"
Any advice would be great thanks" Shawn.

Hiya Sean" "The real spelling" It"s good to know that you want to come
to my world of the GUITAR. The first thing you need to do is not over
analyze it too much. You play with your flute "ha ha snigger " good
one"" but want to buy a good guitar" Any musician worth their salt will
tell you that it matters not the sound you make but how you look on
stage" Ah the youngness of it all" my dear fellow that is what backing
tracks are there for…Go into one of our fine musical instrument
emporiums" pick out a couple of guitars that you like the colour of"
put them on and look at your self in the mirror as you strum and mosh"
see if there is a place to stick your cigarette whilst playing
"crucial"" and ask some young one if she fancies you with it on. Buy it
quick and there you are. Sorted" a good question and an important one
at that.

Dear Rob" my name is Barry from Passage West" I can't get a dacent
woman" and I don"t know why. I am a well"cultured 45"year"old farmer
with a sizeable land holding. I am slightly overweight "8 stone over
approx" last time I checked 6 years ago" with about 6 strands of hair
"But I do comb them over the rest of me bald head". I am very
clean"shaven" I shave at least once a week "when there is rain and the
stream fills my tank in da attic" and try to wash me armpits when
shavin'.
Jimmy"Jay down me local suggested I get "down with it"" over 17 pints
of porter at lunchtime" and that is why I am writing to this young"
hip" craaaazy Electronic magazine. Help me Rob" you"re my only hope" I
heard loosing your virginity is nice" but really I need a good woman to
clean out the hen coop. "feckin bastards shit on me every time I go in"
Yours in love and romancy stuff"
Barry.

Well Barry bud where do I start" your a man with land" what every women
wants" go down to the local with Jimmy Jay and try your hand at some
flirting. When the barmaid comes over" give her a nice pat on the arse.
When she gives ya the eyes tell her how many heads of cattle you have"
she'll be like putty in your hands lad. Any problems give me a buzz.

Dear Rob" I'm in love with my
girlfriend's mum and want to marry her. People say its wrong but we
really care about each other. True love runs sweet but can we take the
risk of alienating our family and friends"
Dazed and confused" from Montenotte.

Hello Dazed and confused there is a simple answer to this predicament"
if she's a lasher and a MILF with big boobs" go for it mate. If she's a
bit weathered and rough on the edges dump her and your girlfriend"
cause that"s what she's going to look like in a few years. Harsh but
true.

Dear Rob" My name is Susannah and i play
in a wedding band" i am finding it hard to get bookings of late i was
wondering if you had any good marketing tips for us.

Hi Susannah" this is an old question" with a simple answer.
Wedding band = DVD" in today"s music POP culture most of these sort of
bands are moving into new technology. Pay your young cousin to borrow
his dad"s camcorder and make a 2"hour video of ye. Burn this to DVD and
then send that to the weddings instead of ye" Ye can now do an infinite
amount of weddings per day" and ye can drink as much as ye like during
them""" Whilst still earning the usual "3"000 per wedding.
Really it"s the future" Move with the times.

Dear Rob" I think you are really hot" i
love the style you adapt when writing" and believe you to be a real
stud muffin" Can you give me 3 tips to turn my boring" footie loving"
pint guzzling" fry"up eating" sex 1 a month husband into the Italian
Stallion you are rumoured to be"
Frustrated Mary" Wilton

Hi Mary" we'll have to discuss this one in private. Why don't ya drop
me a line " dearrob"drop"d.ie and we'll arrange a meeting at Jury's Inn
to mmm . . . talk it over.