Kiptos Rants *UPDATED*

Posted on September 12, 2007 by Contributor

Artist: Justin Timberlake
Author: Kipto

The King is Dead"long live the King

.

"pffft"woop"boof"pfffp"pffft"". emmm" pardon"
"mmp"pfffft".bup"bupp"wmmmmm"".. Ya wha"
"ppprft"hae"hae..twtnnn"""do you have someone who takes care of you"

Is it radio static" Is it a faulty car exhaust" Is it someone having a seizure" Nope it"s Justin Timberlake"s latest single. The record which officially pushes him over the edge as my number one hate figure"although I"m sure Robbie will return to fight for his title "probably by doing a Bowie covers album". For the time being Justin is number one on the hit list. Obviously everything he has done up to this moment has been total shite" his single "Lovestoned" just takes the biscuit. It starts with some awful wigger beat boxing" fucking total shite altogether. Then the lyrics start and they seem to revolve around Justin spiking someone"s drink to get a shag off them. It goes something like "She takes the bottle" she like the taste" she feels high" she"ll be coming home with me". I have no excuse for not getting the lyrics 100" correct" as it"s on the radio every ten fucking seconds""" Although if "JT" "everyone else is calling that"might as well join in" is using rohypnol" at least it would explain some of his conquests. Every couple of years or so I hear a song that makes me turn around and think" "This is without exception the worst song I"ve EVER heard". Previous songs to give me that same sinking feeling are the likes of "Barbie Girl"" "I Bet You Good On The Dance floor" and that fucking abomination Cher had a few years back "Believe". Now "Lovestoned" has the dubious honour of having that title" that is until Calvin Harris"s next single anyway. But I have no doubt that JT sees himself as some kind of a music pioneer. On the cover of his latest CD he is seen smashing a disco ball" ooooooooh reinventing music are we" breaking preconceptions" Or just making another shite album from an ex"boyband tosser" But in his own mind"

JT probably thinks he"s been really innovative by using "Beat box" sounds.
JT thinks he"s capturing some of the "indie" crowd by having a Snow Patrol style" if such a thing exists" guitar riff in the coda.
JT thinks his suggestive lyrics are going to attract an edgier crowd than the 10 year olds who"ve been following since his N"Sync days.
JT thinks that himself and Timbaland are the new glitter twins and shape music for decades to come.
Well Kipto thinks JT is a fucking cunt""

Apologies for the language"but you should be used to by now shhhurley"
And now of course JT and fucking buddy Timbaland have mastered the most important skill required in 21st century music" why stop at making shite music yourself when you can pop up on everyone else"s songs and ruin them as well" Although to be fair people like Nelly " "I"ve always loved hip/hop..honest" Furtado" doesn"t need a whole lot of help. It"s just that there"s no escaping the prick. And" thank the heavens" he"s currently rumoured to be lining up a duet with Madonna" When I heard this I ran for my bible "Fucking hell" if that isn"t one of the signs of the apocalypse I don"t know what is" I thought to myself. And I was right"for it says in the Bible:
"And the clouds met" the rain fell" the blood flowed and the cities crumbled ".awful urban music did rule the land and the children cried. Josh Ritter was being compared to Dylan and Springsteen and the deserts covered the land. And two beasts rose from the carnage. One resembled a gerbil and made a sound like a curry passing through the colon. The other a 90"year"old woman" clad in latex so her penis was clearly visible who wailed like a banshee. And lo they did turn to the cowering people and say "we"re JT and Madonna here"s out new single "Shitpop"."

There is a worrying trend of people" DJ"s mainly" trying to give JT"s music some credence. "You have to admit he"s a great performer"… "You have to admit that this song will get them dancing"" "You have to admit he"s on top of the game". Fuck off" I"ve told the sexual harassment tribunal now I"m telling you. "I"ll admit NOTHING"". At least" 30 years after Elvis died" no one has dared compare JT to the king. The fucking prick hasn"t the talent of the turd Elvis left floating in the toilet behind him.
".and don"t even get me started about his fucking hat"

Bits and Pieces

Don"t Tempt me"
Mark Ronson remixing Dylan"Jaysus"these articles write themselves don"t they"

Josh Ritter: Right Moves.
Christ" a piss poor effort. The verses sound like the Only Fools and Horses theme tune" the chorus reminds me of "Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters. Although compared to "Lovestoned" it"s "Hey Jude".

Rollin" Rollin" Rollin"
By all accounts The Rolling Stones played a stormer at Slane embarrassing so called rock stars less than have their age. I was too lazy to attend "and have to admit I think they"re pushing on a bit now". Oh well there"s always the next farewell tour I suppose.

Filed under: archive