The Alternative Best of 2006

Posted on 28th Dec 06 by Contributor | 0

Artist: ..Tis the season… to be ranting"
Author: Kipto

THE GOLDEN KIPTO"S

Yes my friends 2006 is at an end"so it"s time to sit back and reflect on the worst year in music ever "the last holder being 2005" notice a pattern"". To celebrate the upcoming change of calendar" I have compiled a list of awards "some actually offering praise the events of the last year".

MOST ANNOYING PERSON IN MUSIC

Look"obviously its Robbie Williams…but for the sake of variety I"ve come up with a new winner. Justin Timberlake. He"s really starting to push Robbie for the lifetime tosser award. He"s now the "self professed" "King of Pop""who would want that title" The last holder as a plastic faced transvestite pedophile"" He"s probably the most famous pop star on the planet. He started in a boy"band "the similarities with RW are staggering""". The tabloids have a habit of calling him "Trousersnake"…Why oh god why"because he shagged Britney Spears"" I have to give grudging Kudos on bagging Cameron Diaz "what the hell is she thinking". Also as much as I hate RW I will admit that most of what he sings can at least be classified as "songs" "shite songs. but songs nonetheless""what the hell is the shite Timberlake is hawking on his new album" So congrats Justin" you ferret faced" skinny" spotty" falsetto singing" sell"out" faux"ghetto" man boy. You win the award.
Runners up:
Robbie Williams: He had to be there somewhere.
Pete Doherty: Has ended the year playing gigs in car parks"looks like he"s found his level"no please will he f"ck off"

THE ALAN KLEIN AWARD FOR MOST CYNICAL CASH IN
The Beatles "Love" Album. I love the Beatles" legends to a man and deserving of all the praise lavished upon them. But I think this release is a step to far. The Anthologies should have been the final world from the fab four"it was as comprehensive as it was worthwhile. I understand that this new release was very much a George Martin project. But unless someone finds a stash of new Beatles songs in the Abbey Road cellar" I think we have all we need.
Runners up:
U2: 18"what".. ANOTHER best of how much money do ye need Bono"
Gift Grub7: Don"t get me wrong" the routines on the programmed are sometimes funny but are they really justified in releasing album every time they complete ten sketches""

BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Bob Dylan: Modern Times
Modern life certainly isn"t rubbish when Robert Zimmerman"s in town. In these most shallow of times it takes a 66 year old Jew with a funny moustache to show the young folks how"s done. The album starts with the rumbling blues stomp of "Thunder on the Mountain" and doesn"t miss a beat for the remainder of the tracks. All his pathetic imitators should talk note" Bob aint done yet. And also we had the treat of his theme"time radio shows"a great year for fans of the Bob.
Runners Up:
Paul Simon: Surprise See "Comeback of the Year".
Tom Waits: Orphans More madness and Juke Joint Stomp from the master. Long may he roar.

WORST ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Justin Timberlake: Futuresex/Lovesounds " Robbie Williams: Rudebox
I am beginning to think that
a" Robbie Williams and Justin Timberlake are the same spawn of Satan
b" They decided to release the same album.
Both albums "from what I"ve heard off the radio you understand" are piss poor electro / hip hop mashes. Both are released by ex boyband dancers" "one fat and ugly"the other just ugly""who for some reason consider themselves serious "musos". Come to think of it has anyone ever seen these two in the same room"

BEST SONG HEARD ON THE RADIO
Amy Winehouse: Rehab.
A truly great song. The irony being that she"s an incredible pisshead in real life. "Amy Winelake" as Simon Amstell refers to her" But still fair is fair this was the best song to hear on mainstream radio this year.
Runner up:
Peter Bjorn and John: The Youngfolks. A very close second" really catchy song.

WORST SONG HEARD ON THE RADIO
Anything by The Cakesale" Snow Patrol" James Blunt" Damien Rice" Damien Dempsey" Mundy. Bell X1 or any of these new breed of Irish "singer/songwriters". Self pitying moaning shite"oh and anything from Robbie Williams..obviously.

BEST MUSIC PROGRAM OF THE YEAR
Nevermind The Buzzcocks. The first point is that it sums up the year that the best music show contains no actual live music" But this is a top" top show"I was really worried for the future of the show when Mark Lamarr decided to take a year out. But to be fair to stand in host Simon Amstell has done an admirable job of filling the presenters chair..top marks for making Venessa Feltz look like the idiot she is" and for the constant Robbie Williams baiting".top man"

WORST MUSIC PROGRAM OF THE YEAR
This of course is a very well contested category"with You"re a Star and X Factor in the mix. The winner though has to be "Other Voices: Songs from a room". Absolute shite"wall to wall crusties with acoustic guitars who introduce their simplistic crap with mumblings like "here"s a song I wrote all myself" and "this song is about the day my girlfriend broke up with my cause I"m a spineless wimp". Couldn"t they have just written about it in their journals while they were waiting for their lentils to cook"

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
Paul Simon
A comeback as overdue as it was welcome. We"d heard precious little from Paul in the last 16 years since the excellent "Rhythm of the Saints" album. Since then we"ve had one poor studio album and the "Capeman" debacle. Imagine my surprise then on hearing his new album"ermmm "Surprise". My spirits were lifted on hearing that Brian Eno was drafted in the do some soundscapes for the recordings. The result was his best album since "Graceland" and even though standout track "Father and Daughter" was written for a kids movie 2 years ago this was still a great album".good to know he still has it in him. "and that he"s finally ditched the wig"" Kudos to you Paul"""

BEST RADIO STATION
Virgin Classic Rock:
Dylan" The Stones" Who" Beatles" Bowie" Ac/Dc" Velvets" Guns N Roses one after the other. Rock on"" Pity it"s only on the internet.
Runner Up:
Newstalk: If only to get away from the pop music and DJ"s.

WORST RADIO STATION
Today FM
8 hours a day I"m stuck in my work cubicle"that bad enough without listening to the tripe that comes from this station. 60 year DJ"s pretending to be hip by dropping the names of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. The constant hyping up of the Take That reunion"impressionists that are nowhere near as funny as they think they are. Robbie Williams" Madonna and Snow Patrol on a constant loop. There are times I wish I was deaf.
Runners up:
All the other Irish commercial stations".I assume they"re as bad as each other.

ILL JUDGED ACTION OF THE YEAR
Madonna and the adoption.
I can imagine the scene"in between releasing piss poor Abba and Pet Shop Boys rip offs "Madge" gets a bit broody"so she rings an adoption agency.
Madonna " in awful faux Cockney accent ": Hello" adoption agency" I"m Madonna" queen of music and I"d like to adopt a child from a disadvantaged background to give them a better life.
Adoption Agency: Really".that"s excellent"we have a girl called Suzie who"
Madonna: No"I want to hand pick the child".how about you get 12 of your most photogenic products".I mean children" into a room and I"ll pick the one that best suits me.
Adoption Agency: Isn"t that a bit cruel..what about the other children"s feelings"
Madonna: Who cares" Do you have any that go with retro 80"s tracksuits"
Runner up:
Heather Mills claiming Macca hit her and previous wife Linda: I"d be more angry if it wasn"t so ridiculous" "Long John Silver" would be better off trawling the emirates for her next victim than trying to smear the reputation of one of the greatest legends in musical history. F"ck off back to your hole"

WORST CELEB/DJ TIE IN OF THE YEAR
Tony Fenton"s Wall of Sound 3CD Collection.
So"let me get this straight" you thing the fact that you have a bald 60 year DJ plugging a collection of songs will get anyone to buy them" If you hold any sway in Fenton"s opinions you should be allowed to purchase CD"s"and your vote should be taken away as well. Whatever next".. "Ryan Tubridy"s Krautrock Favorites""" "Anne Marie Kelly presents an introduction to Brian Eno""

WORST DJ OF THE YEAR
Ray D"Arcy.
Yes" another winner from Today FM" the station that keeps giving. D"Arcy truly is an annoying tosser and a self absorbed one at that. No show is complete without 1000 mentions of the fact that he ran a marathon "admittedly an achievement" and 1000000 references to his new baby""as if he"d the first person in the world to have one. So it"s constant references to night feeds" crying" dirty nappies" bottle feeding"..and that"s just taking care of Ray "Boom"Boom"""". Then there"s the stupid tear jerking stories he tells on the show and the obviously made up reactions to them from the "public""."oh Ray what a great story. I just came into my cornflakes". For three hours a day he wrecks my head"hopefully he"ll get his come"uppance someday soon.

THE JAMARAQUI AWARD FOR FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE.
Music Revivals:
Jaysus nostalgia ain"t what it used to be. But it now seems that we are going to have revivals of every half"decent "or plain shite" musical movement from the last century. The worrying enough are the bi"yearly 80"s revivals we"ve had to put with over the last 7 years. But this year it got even worse"we"re now being subjected to "New Rave"".Christ on a bike. While some god"awful band called "The Towers of London" are attempting another hair metal revival. Add Madonna"s fascination with crap 80"s electro and the Scissor Sister"s crap disco and it"s a severe case of history repeating"" And do you what the worst thing about this revivalism"…..there was a revival of late 60"s/early 70"s music in the mid 90"s"it lasted about 6 weeks""" Where"s the justice in that"
Runner up:
Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Stadium Arcadium: Not sure if this was released in 2006 or 2005 " but never let the truth get in the way or a rant ". But how many times can you re"release "Californication" under a new title".it"s 2 and counting".

WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
WWW.DROP"D.IE Mine"s a Bulmer"s guys""….keep up the good work"
Runner Up:
WWW.RINGOSTARR.COM Brilliant"especially worth checking our for the video updates"Ringo is a legend""""

Merry Christmas to all " expect Robbie "".hope to rant again in the New Year.

Kipto.
Kiptosrants"yahoo.co.uk